A Drunk Raccoon Tries to Hook Up With Colin Jost and Eat Poop in Unhinged ‘Weekend Update’

In a “Weekend Update” that featured jokes about Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein, a sunburned vacationer played by cast member Ben Marshall and how Netflix will jack up its prices to $50 million in order to buy Warner Bros., Sarah Sherman stole the show playing the drunk raccoon that (actually!) got wasted in a Virigina liquor store this week, and passed out in the bathroom.

“Here to explain their actions is that drunk raccoon,” said Colin Jost.

Coming on to Jost, while writhing around the Update desk, the raccoon complained that it doesn’t have any privacy, as Jost said she has a “serious drinking problem.” She countered that the “problem being I can’t get drunk in a bathroom without people taking pictures of me face down, ass up!”

When Jost asked her whether Bradley Cooper’s portrayal of Rocket Raccoon in Marvel’s “Guardians of the Galaxy” movies is considered a positive representation of raccoons, she said, “I wouldn’t know, I haven’t seen it — I’m not a virgin.”

After saying she was starving and asking to DoorDash something, she said, “You know what’s actually good that you wouldn’t think is good? Poop!” When Jost seemed grossed out, she said, “Quiet, piggy.”

Jost then told her he thought raccoons ate only trash, and she said, “We hear what you call us. Trash pandas. Dumpster dogs. The Sarah Shermans of the forest.” To which Jost responded, “You’re not nearly as hairy as Sarah Sherman.”

Jost said she just hoped she got the help she needs for her drinking problem, and that he hoped she didn’t give him rabies. “Rabies is the last thing you need to worry about getting from me,” the raccoon said to Jost.